We Were Closer Than You'll Ever Know
by AZTbreak
Summary: Angel lived very close to the loft, was Collins really the first of our beloved bohos to meet her. Rating might go up later. be kind read and review
1. Chapter 1

**Please be kind... and review!**

 **i own nothing but the plot i hope you like it.**

 **It started as a crackfic but then i took it seriously**

"Angel Dumott Schunard!" Collins introduced and opened the door, and there she was standing there in all her glory.

I knew her.

She danced around the room smiling and singing, giving us money, she recognized me but never missed a beat. Typical Angel. I hung on every word of her story laughing at Collins. He's lucky, he's definitely got a catch. I wasn't smart enough to realize that back when we were together. Yup, thats right Roger Davis and Angel Schunard dated…. Well not "dated" we were something though…. It was an experimental time in my life. There she stood though back in my life coaxing me to leave the house with her and Collins. I don't really know what to say or think but I know I don't want to go to Life leave and finally I'm alone, I can't believe I just saw her again. I didn't want to see her I barely remember meeting her.

That's a lie. I remember everything….

It was right before I met April, 5 ½ months before I met her to be exact and i still remember every detail. I was at CBGB's half way through my first set when I finally open my eyes to scan the crowd looking for any hot girls I could maybe hook up after and to see if people are enjoying the music. They are, of course, I play here almost every weekend the crowd that this place brings in always like our music. But then I see someone who doesn't belong. Though the haze I see a very tall attractive woman in bright colors dancing amazingly to the music. She spots me staring and stops dancing. Not embarrassed, no, she holds my stare and gives a small smirk and turns her attention to the girls around her and begins dancing again.

'She thinks she's too good for me,' I thought to myself. 'I can't wait to prove her wrong.'

The set soon ends and I jump off the stage to get a drink and find that girl. I grab a beer and scan the club she's gone along with the other girls she was with. They must have all gone to the bathroom together girls do that stuff. 15 minutes pass by quickly then it's back on stage. The rest of the gig flies by I play regularly but keep a look out for that girl.

As we packed up and the club settled down, most people clearing out someone came up behind me. A small cocky smile appeared on my lips as i turned around I expected to see her but no, just the club owner there to pay us.

"There you go boys, Thanks again" he gave us a hundred each.

"Thanks, Paul same time next week?" I ask him stuffing the money in my pocket.

He nods and walks away, never was a man of many words. Well, at least not with me. Still though he was a good man everyone knows him and they all love him. I walk outside and there she was hugging her friends and saying goodbye. I lit a cigarette and casually walked over.

"Hey," I smile and leaned against the wall setting my guitar down.

"Oh," she seemed a little surprised.

There was something off about her, she was a little too tall, a little too toned, her jaw a bit too defined….. At that moment it hit me this girl was no girl this was a drag queen. Well, Shit.

"Hi" she-he? Fuck it they said a little sheepish.

"I'm Roger" I introduced taking a drag on my cigarette.

Now I know I'm not gay, not by a long shot but I don't hate gay people no. My best friend is gay and one of the greatest guy I know. So I've started a conversation I'll talk for a bit then go.

"I'm Angel" She smiled and offered a hand.

I took it "How do you do?" i said in my most posh voice making her utter the most adorable giggle.

Did I just call her adorable?

"Lovely and a little tipsy," she smiled "how are u?"

"Ahhh, an honest Angel, huh?" I laugh a bit "I'm just fine, I saw you from across the room and just thought I'd talk to you."

She smiled I didn't know what else to say I was at a loss for words for one of the first times of my life. I guess I let the silence go on too long because she spoke up.

"You play well" she looked at my guitar.

I could feel this getting awkward….. I was wrecking this. But wait, why do i care? It's not like I want to sleep with this…. Guy? Right?... Wait did I? No, right? Oh shit, I should say something…..

" What brings you to this place?" I motion to all the punk kids and heavy rockers around and then back to her bright, cutesy style.

"Oh, my friends wanted to go and i don't mind the style you bad boys got going on." she winked, I could feel my face heating up a bit. Was I blushing or was it all the drinks I had?

"Oh, you like bad boys, huh?" Why was I saying this?

"From a distance" she messed with the zipper of my leather jacket.

"Oh really?" I took a stepped forward she playfully backed up against the wall.

Angel may have been tall for a girl but for a boy even in heels I still could tower over him. He oh, what the hell, she let out a playful giggle. As I stared down at her face I realized how young she looked.

"Now, Angel I may be a bad boy but i feel like you have a bit of a badassery in you?"

"What do you mean?" she said as innocently as possible, pouting.

"How old are you?"

"18" she roller her eye.

"Oooh, someone's in trouble."

"Sorry, Dad" she said sarcastically and smiled.

"Oh, so you're calling me Daddy now?"

She made a fake gagging noise making me laugh.

"Please, as if" she smiled.

"Well you set me up for that."

"Very true," she became quiet and bit her lip thinking. She bites her lip! every mans' weakness. "I should go though, Roger."

So suddenly?

"Oh, ok goodnight, I guess? Will I see you again?"

Why did I say that? Why do I care I'm not into guys. Right? No I like women, boobs, pussy, curvy hips all that great stuff. But then, why am I still here talking and flirting with him? There's something different about him.

"Sure" she shrugged. "I'll find you."

She gave me a quick peck on the lips, winked and stepped away hurrying across the street going down to the subway, her hips swinging the whole way. Leaving me confused and slightly turned on.


	2. Chapter 2

**Alright! new chapter I hope you like it  
WARNING: DRUG USE AND PROSTITUTION**

I picked up my guitar and went back to working on my music. This writer's block was killing me! Hours flew by and I made no progress, maybe I should rethink my process. It's getting late, where are they? My mind wandered back to Angel of course, despite my protest, her curves, that voice, her body, our hot night, our fights and falling out.

I chased these thought out of my head as fast as I could but they only led me to April. Ok, now I was angry. I don't want these memories, I don't want to deal with this stuff. My feelings.

And at that moment the person I want to see least in the world had to come knocking on my window. She looks beautiful, but goddamn I can't deal with another girl right now. She needs to leave and I make it perfectly clear. She tries to convince me to get high and sleep with her which is tempting but i know better.

"There's only us, there's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, No Day But Today." Mimi sang trying to change my mind.

She is definitely Angel's friend those words cut me deep though. She needs to leave.

I drag her out the door and down the hall yelling at her the whole time. She rips free of my grasp and leaves the building completely. Thank god. But of course she's not done. Once outside she's shouting letting me know how she really feels, like there's 'no day but today.' But of course this has to be the exact time Collins, Mark, and Angel had to come back. They take her side, I expected nothing less. We finish and Mimi breaks down in tears, Angel looks back at me with a hurt face; afraid, sad, and confused. I swallow hard, I know that look.

I scurry back off the fire escape and into the loft in anger and shame. Mark come in after a few minutes.

"What the hell was that?" Mark blurted out.

"Christmas carols" I said sarcastically cleaning up my crumpled papers with my failed song attempts on them.

"Ok," He sighs not wanting to fight. "Well, next time maybe just stick to 'Oh, Holy Night.'"

I flip him off and force a smile, "Maybe we'll sing your stupid dreidel song."

He rolls his eyes and starts to head off to his room.

"Wait, wait where's Collins?" I ask.

"We'd be lucky if he comes home tonight." he smiles, "Him and Angel are acting like teenagers the way they're crushing on each other."

I smile for real this time at the thought, I knew they would be good together. I sit in the window watching light snow and the city. At around 3 in the morning someone stumbled in giggling, Collins. To be honest I was a little jealous, of him and curious had Angel talked about me? Is she still mad? I want to know but I don't in case she still hates me.

"Hey, man" Collins greeted.

His eyes were bloodshot and he reeked of weed. Typical Collins I relaxed a bit knowing he wouldn't be mad at me. Not that he should but still it's good to be cautious.

"She is so mad at you," he giggled.

My stomach dropped, "Angel?"

"No, Mimi she's really upset."

"Meh, she'll get over it."

"Come on man, she is cute."

"She's a junkie not really my type anymore. Speaking of Mimi though…. How's Angel."

"Aaaaaaah," he flopped on the couch and put his hands over his face. "She's amazing!"

"I'm surprised you're not over at her place right now getting cozy." I laugh a bit.

"Nah, she's too classy to do that so soon. I barely know her."

Memories flash through my mind. I guess the Angel I knew and the Angel he knows are completely different. When I knew her I would have described her as a lot of things but classy was not really one of them. But then again, I guess I never gave her the chance to be.

"That's good take it slow."

"I'm trying but damn is it hard. But I really think I'm falling in love with her."

"Really?" Is it really that easy for them.

"Yeah, Anyways man I gotta get some rest Angel and I are having breakfast in the morning" he rolled over on the couch getting comfortable and leaving me to my thoughts.

After my first meeting with Angel I couldn't get her out of my head. I walked around town aimlessly looking for her but still nothing. She didn't go back to CBGB's. Two weeks went by and I decided to give up.

One night on my way home I decided to walk instead of take a cab home from the pyramid club. It was a cool night after a long warm day so all the weirdos were out tonight. After a few blocks I started to see more and more hookers I must be getting close to the loft. I stood on a corner waiting to cross some of the women tried to talk to me but I ignored them. I don't need to pay for something I can get for free.

That's when I noticed something, one of them seemed a lot shyer than the rest. She also looked very familiar, and it hit me like a bus. That was Angel. I ripped off my leather jacket to give to her and taker her out of here. She turned away looking at the ground, embarrassed.

"No, no, no, Angel, wait" I ran in front of her.

"What" She snapped.

I didn't know what to say, i stammered for a bit, "I-I-I, you um I do-don't you look good."

"Thanks."

"Um what, what are you doing out here?"

She let out a long sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose "Singing christmas carols…...I'm at work Roger what do you think I'm doing. "

"I can see that, What I mean is how did you get here?"

"I'm gay and a cross dresser, I don't really have much of an option. Now can I please go and get back to work?"

"Ok," I shrug and let her walk back to her spot and walk back up to her.

"Hey," I give my best smirk. "How much you charging?"

That made her mad, "Hand job's $10, Blow job's $50, and sex is $100."

"Alright, how about $20 and some coke?"I negotiated pulling out a small bag of powder I bought earlier that night.

She really thought about it I never saw her much as a partier but hey, if she's into it.

"Ok, one quick one."

"Alright where do you wanna go?" I looked around.

"My place is just a block away. We can go there, come on."

"What about work?"

"It's a slow night and I can really use a line or two."

We walk back to her place in silence, was I really about to pay for sex? Well for her I'll take it. I wasn't really able to pay attention to where we were going, I was more focused on her scantily dressed body. My body betrayed my mind, I had to remind myself over and over again that underneath the makeup and the clothes she was still a guy. But those thoughts had little effect on what was going on in my jeans.

Soon, she stopped in front of a building, I knew this street, I live here. I turned around and saw the loft in the building across the street.

"What's wrong?" her voice tore me away from my thoughts.

"Oh, nothing I-I I live around here too." My nerves were getting to me, was this a good idea?

She nodded and smiled unlocking the door to the building, "Don't be nervous."

"I'm not."

She took my hands smiling knowing all too well how scared I really was. She's probably seen it a hundred times before. It made me scared, and well angry. Angel was beautiful and amazing, I don't want her to have work like this. I'm sure she felt the same. I wanted her all to myself, and I knew she wanted that.

We made it to her apartment finally, after climbing endless flights of stairs. I had composed myself enough to be my charming, if not slightly arrogant self.

"This is it," she opened the door to reveal a small apartment covered in colorful furniture, fabric, pictures, and posters.

It covered the awful colors and cracking of the walls, it was a well run down apartment. But I didn't exactly live in a penthouse either. It doesn't matter too much, I'm more focused on… other things. I step closer behind Angel and kiss her long neck, one hand pulling at her jean jacket, the other on her thigh feeling the incredible smooth skin just beneath her incredible short, hot pink, mini skirt. A small moan escaped her mouth, which was amazing to hear but it snapped her back to reality.

She turned around messing with the zipper of my jacket looking at the ground blushing, a little bit embarrassed.

I smirked at her knowing I found her weakness, "You like that, huh?"

"No, I'm sorry friend or not… I take the payments up front."

"Oh, Right," I reach into my pocket and hand her the money and baggie. "Don't worry, I makes sense."

"Thank you," she takes the money but leaves the rest. "I'll be right back."

"Wait what about…." I looked at the bag

"Just hold on to it I'll be right back."

She takes off to the other room and I make myself comfortable on the couch. I notice on the table there's a small mirror, perfect. I pull out my license and dump a small amount of cocaine onto the mirror using my card I arrange it into a thin straight line. I look around for something I could use as a straw but unless I ripped a magazine I'm out of luck. I set down the mirror and start looking through my wallet and what I needed, a cat scratch club business. It's a little rigid but it will work. I rolled it up as tight as I could and snorted the line.

"Caught in the act" Angel's standing there, smiling. "I'm next."

I laugh and scoot over offering her a seat and set up a line for her, I can already feel it kicking in. With much difficulty I get it set up. I lean my head back as she sets up a few more lines for us. My head swimming in warm fuzziness.

Once the drug was gone and fully in our systems, I was ready. I leaned over to kiss her, she must have felt the same way. Our lips collided hot and heavy we made out for a brief minute before she broke it and slid onto the floor and settled herself between my legs. She wastes no time, I can appreciate that. I watched her unbutton and unzip my pants quickly, I couldn't wait for what was coming.

She was amazing. She was worth way more than I paid, but she seemed happy with herself and fine with our agreement.

The next morning I woke up in her bed without my shirt, I was groggy and felt sluggish. I needed a cigarette and i wanted to go home. Everything about last night seemed wrong, I need to leave. Thankfully, Angel wasn't in the bed with me. Now, I don't remember how I got in that bed or at one point I lost my shirt, but I do remember that I did not have sex with him. Which was a bit of a relieving thought. I wasn't ready or even sure I wanted to do that. I shuffled around as quietly as I could trying to find my stuff, unfortunately that wasn't quiet enough.

"Oh, hey," a young and by society's standard attractive man stepped out of the bathroom, smiling.

I could only assume it was Angel, the real Angel.

"Hey," I said not looking at him, not sure how to act or what to say.

"I had fun last night, we'll have to do that again sometime," he winked.

"Uhh, yea" I shrugged brushing him off.

I didn't know what I expecting, I knew he was a boy underneath all the makeup and clothes. It's one thing to know it it's another thing to see it. I grabbed the last of my stuff and headed for the door. I don't know why I was acting like this, last night i was so sure of myself but now, I don't know.

"Leaving so soon?"

I turned around and saw that look, It was one of fear, sadness and confusion.

"Uh, yeah I got a lot to do today."

"Oh, ok well, here's my number call me if you ever want to come over, or if you just want to talk." He started scribbling it down.

I took it, mouthed a thank you, and left. It was rude and abrupt.

I treated Mimi no different tonight. I was rude and abrupt and only thinking of myself. I haven't changed a bit.


	3. Chapter 3

**My grandma died today**

 **btw there's like soft core porn in this so forgive me**

After my last encounter with Angel I avoided him at all costs. I stayed far away from the loft, staying at girl after girl's apartment. When I was home or at least near by I walked with Mark or Collins, never alone.

Two weeks went by before I saw him again, but there wasn't a moment where he wasn't on my mind. I was playing at CBGB's again and we took a break and I went straight for the bar. There wasn't anyone really worth talking to tonight. I began picking at a scratch in the wood when someone tapped my shoulder.

"Buy me a drink?" I jumped at that voice.

I turned around and saw Angel, she was high on something he pupils were huge.

"And why would I break the law?" I smirked.

"Oh, now you care about the law?" she wrapped her arms around me

"I think you've had enough for tonight, don't you?" I shrugged her off and wanted her to leave me alone.

She shook her head 'no' and laughed.

"What are you on?"

"A few things but I'm trying to get on you."

I rolled my eyes. She suddenly pulled a few pill shaped tablets out of her pocket and offered one to me.

"What is that?" I picked one up.

"Buy me a drink and I'll give you one," she tried.

"Is this your first time roofieing someone, 'cause you're really bad at it."

She laughed and stepped closer, "Aw, come on, you don't want to have fun with me?"

I looked her over she looked hot but, I couldn't get that picture of her dressed like a man out of my head.

She started massaging my shoulders and whispering in my ear, "This is molly, and it'll fuck you up. I thought maybe after this place you'd want to come home with me?"

Angel was brave and I was putty in her hand, she knew it too. I motioned the bartender over, she whispered her order in my ear and I repeated it to him. She placed one of the pills in my hand, I've played high before but I was nervous for this. Molly? I've never heard of it, and I really didn't want to fuck up this gig. She saw the hesitation on my face and took the pill back, she placed it between her teeth and kissed me pushing it in my mouth.

"Give that 30 minutes and you'll thank me," she winked.

I chugged the rest of my drink, I was so pissed, " Thanks, I have to get back onstage."

"I'll find you later," she waved and disappeared into the crowd.

I played and sang, while trying to monitor myself waiting to see when the drug would kick in. Like she said after thirty minutes, I felt it. I began sweating I felt like a God, every girl there wanted me, or so I thought, colors were bright and vibrant, the music was amazing. Life was great and when the show was over Angel walked back up to me.

"So what are we doing tonight?" she asked biting her damn lip again.

I had enough, fuck everything, I grabbed her ass and pulled her close kissing her. I was too damn horny to care about anything else other than getting off.

"I'm glad it kicked in," she smirked.

"We're leaving, now" I whispered in a low husky voice making her shiver.

She quickly made it back to her apartment, I could barely wait for her to unlock the door before I pinned her against the wall. Her moan rang loudly through the stairwell, I loved it. She smiled at me and scooted inside. I followed her inside and to her room. I pushed her onto the bed and climbed on top of her. Typically, I wouldn't be so rough but tonight was different, in a million different ways. A girl might be more sensitive to this but Angel was no girl and that made me so rough. She pulled at my shirt, and I took it off throwing it across the room. I covered her neck in kisses and hickeys. I stopped for a minute when she passed me a bottle of lube, she placed her hands on her hair, er, um, wig and tried to pull it off.

"No, No" I ordered her. "Leave it on."

"Oh, um ok" she said sadly looking away.

I kissed her more bringing her back into the moment, "Roll over" I told her.

The rest of the night is a blur, suppressed by shame, guilt, and drugs. I was selfish, I only cared about my pleasure and when I finished I was done for the night. I made her keep on most of her clothes so I didn't have to deal with the reality that I had sex with a man.

The only clear memory I have from the rest of that night was waking up in the middle of the night to find Angel gone. It was my perfect opportunity to leave, I gathered my stuff and crept down the hall. I heard sniffling and soft crying in the bathroom. I couldn't leave now, at the time I didn't care as much, I felt bad but nothing to how bad I feel now.

I wasn't going to make that same mistake twice, I needed to apologize to Mimi.


	4. Chapter 4

**I see y'all reading these stories, u don't have to be so quiet *squints eyes***

 **seriously tho it'd be nice if someone said something even if its irrelevant but whatever**

 **here's the next chapter enjoy!**

I apologized and asked Mimi to be my date to dinner, to my surprise she said yes. After Maureen's protest we went to the life cafe with the rest of the group as planned. Collins and Angel have gone "offical." Even though I was supposed to be with Mimi my mind was elsewhere. I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy, they were perfect together, and even though it was my fault he made her happy in ways I couldn't. As we danced and partied, I warmed up to Mimi, I always kept an eye on Angel. Part of me was waiting for Collins to mess up or treat her bad so I could swoop in and take her away, knowing all too well I'll end up treating her like shit.

Back when we were together as I used and kind of abused her, emotionally, she never faltered. She always was kind and patient even when I didn't deserve it, no matter how much I tried to push her away she wouldn't go. She'd wait until I was ready to talk, she'd make me comfortable, smoke with me, pour me a drink, and let me kick and scream the whole time while not saying a word against me. She also would obey my every request: 'don't wear guy clothes around me,' 'don't hold my hand in public,' 'you can't meet my friends,' 'don't call me your boyfriend.' Anything I said went without questioning, which worked well because, hell sometimes I didn't have a reason for them.

Though she was amazing and always wanted to make sure everyone around her was happy, I never did the same. One night was really bad, while I was staying at her apartment I woke up in the middle of the night to find her sitting on the fire escape. She sat there, or well, should I say he sat there no makeup, no wig, just in his pajamas staring off into space.

"What the fuck?" I whispered getting up and throwing on a shirt.

I opened the window and was blasted with the cold it was late fall, not the time to be sitting outside at 3 AM in nothing but a wife beater and sweatpants.

"Angel, what are you doing out here, It's freezing," I asked annoyed.

There were tear marks on his face he had been crying, but still he said nothing. I sighed and rolled my eyes I just wanted him to come back to bed.

"Hey, I'm talking to you, why are you out here?" I still got no answer but he did look at me. "How long have you been out here?"

"I-I uh…." he started to talk but looked down at his feet and fell silent again.

"Fine, don't tell me," I shrugged and walked back in.

I climbed into bed shivering and burrowed under the covers, why was I such and asshole? After a few minute and some failed attempts at sleeping I looked out the window again, he was still out there. But, instead of just sitting there his face was buried in his hands and he was sobbing. I sighed again and got up going back to him. Despite how I treat him most of the time there is a reason I'm with him, I do care about him. I just have a fucked up way of showing it. I walked back out there with him. He stopped crying and looked up at me.

"Ang," I sighed trying to be patient with him. "What's wrong? Why are you out here?"

He looked at me with those huge brown doe eyes, lost as if I was supposed to know the answer.

A moment of silence passes between us before I try again, "Aren't you cold?" nothing again. "Have you been out here long?... God damnit Angel answer me!" I say too harshly.

He looked at me terrified his breathing labored as he began to sob again. I'm done trying to get him to talk this was going nowhere. But I can't leave him out here, he'll get sick.

"Come on, we're going to bed," I pull his arm trying to get him off the step but he won't budge. "You're not staying out here. Come on."

"Just go," he whispers softly.

"Did you just talk? It's a miracle, what did you say?"

"Just go," he said just as soft.

I pull his arm again, but damn he's strong for his size, "That's not an option and I'm not asking you I'm telling you. You're going inside whether you like it or not, so let's go."

His face turned sour and he looked away from me rubbing the back of his neck. He was not going to go voluntarily.

I bent down to his level "Hey you're not gonna sit out here and get hypothermia, okay."

He looked at me with pleading eyes he didn't want to go he wanted to be left alone, or at least with someone who understood with more patients. I rested a hand on his leg and with my free hand grabbed his. I lifted him up, throwing him over my shoulder, he did not like that. He began thrashing and screaming like a toddler throwing a tantrum. This was ridiculous, I carried him inside.

"YOU BASTARD!" he screamed. "PUT ME DOWN!"

I struggled to get through the window this was ridiculous, "You better shut up before the neighbors wake up and they call the cops."

"Put me fucking down!" He yelled. "Leave me alone! I'm not a child! I HATE YOU."

I threw him onto the bed I was beyond pissed at this point, "You're fucking right you're not a kid. But if you're going to act like one you're gonna get treated like one! Got it, _BABY?_ "

I began walking out of the room when he called after me not mad but more scared, "W-wait, where are you going?"

"My place, have fun with your pity party."

I grabbed my shoes and leather jacket and walked out, he tried apologizing and begged me to stay but my mind was made up. I didn't care, I wanted sleep and he needed to get over whatever was bothering him. I walked out leaving him sobbing and calling my name trying to get me to come back.

But now I know better, I know not to treat someone like that, though my patients still needs some work. I look at Mimi making a vow in my mind to her that I'll never treat her like that. But I look out of the corner of my eye once more at Collins and Angel, she's barely looked my way once. All her attention is focused on Collins and all of his is on hers. It made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to pull her aside and talk to her. She seems so healthy now, she's gained weight, in a good way, I wonder if she's clean? I took a step closer but Collins turned and smiled at me. I can't interrupt them, they're happy.

After he smiled at me I panicked and turned to a guitar sitting on a stage near buy and pick it up. She hasn't told him about me… I'm sure of it he would have me pinned against a wall if he knew. I want her to be mine again, but…. I know she won't smile like that with me, and I know I wouldn't hold her and kiss her like that infront of my friends. I'd have to admire the amazing, fabulous, generous creature that was Angel from a distance. We'd never be able to be close or friends again, if we even friends to begin with. That's my own fault, so I'll just have to deal with it.

 **sorry im so bitter :3 I hope u guys have a good day**

 **ps there's probably going to be a squeal to this it'll be from Angel's pov**


	5. Chapter 5

**Oops its been a while but man I work a full time job, I have a bae, and I go to college so yeah...**

 **No more excuses only more story**

They weren't it all bad days thought. Between Roger and Angel, they had their share of good days.

Roger lounged on the couch working on his latest song, it getting late and starting to snow outside. Angel walked past him his pickle tub tucked under his arm. He was dressed in his simple 'boy' clothes. Roger watched him walk by and took a double take at the window.

"Whoa, wait where you going?" he asked.

Angel froze he afraid of what he would say about being dressed like that, "Oh, I'm gonna go out drumming.."

"It's snowing" He said frankly.

"Oh," Angel looked out the window. "I don't mind."

"Here just… sit down, we'll jam."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'm working on a new song and I want to test it out."

A smile spread widely across Angel's face, he quickly sat on the floor setting up his "drum" perfectly. Roger led explaining the sound that he wanted and how it should flow. The latino picked it up quickly never missing a beat and offered his own input. After an hour or so they had enough and slowly began to talk more and play less.

"Oh, by the way I found this at my place this morning, I think my roommate got it," Roger dug in his back pocket and retrieved a small booklet. "It's tonight's TV guide, but there's no TV in my loft so I thought I'd bring it here. Maybe something good is on." he shrugged handing it to Angel.

"Sweet, thanks!" Angel smiled opening it up.

He flipped through a few pages before letting out a high pitched squeal, I couldn't help but crack up.

"Oh, my god! We have to watch this!" he said scrambling for the remote.

"What is it? Why?"

"Have you ever seen 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'?"

"No, but I've heard of it? It's supposed to be really bad?"

He ran over to the TV and started flipping through the channels, "It is! Well it's good but weird, I don't know but it's hilarious. Can we watched it!?"

I smiled, he can be so adorable sometimes, even out of drag, "Of course."

We watched it and frankly, I loved it. It was funny the music was actually really good. He knew all the dances and all the words to every song. He acted it out his eyes glued to the screen.

"The time warp is coming!" he shouted and shook me.

He can be kind of adorable sometimes, "The what?" I laughed.

"The time warp! You have to do it with me!" He dragged me to my feet.

"I don't know the steps!

"Just watch!" he shushed me. "They'll explain it, listen, and follow me."

The song started and he didn't lie, they sang all the steps. He did them in perfect time as I clumsily struggled to keep up. He watched me out of the corner of his eye and I was cracking him up. After the song ended it went to a commercial.

Angel grabbed onto me laughing so hard I thought he was going to pee his pants. I grabbed onto his waist and pulled him close to me. I was so happy I could make him happy. I kissed him on the lips, it was the first time I'd done that to him out of drag. I pulled away and saw the shock on his face.

"I love you ," I said.

His nose turned pink as his eyes filled with tears, "I-I-I love you too, Roger."

I smiled widely when he said my name. But, I know now we were saying two different things. I loved him, but in the same way I love Maureen, or Collins, or Mark. I wasn't in love with Angel but I couldn't imagine my life without him.

I miss him. I want more memories like that with him. I have another chance though and I'm going to take it.


	6. Chapter 6

**holy shit its been a long time**

I was nervous, did she still live in the same apartment? Would she even want to speak to me? What if Collins picked up?

Fuck it. I had to talk to Angel again. I needed too. I slipped out of bed careful not to wake Mimi I t was 3am but I couldn't sleep until it was done. I tiptoed over to the phone and dialed the familiar seven digits not knowing if she even still lived there.

It rang for an eternity before the answering machine picked up.

It was her voice, "Hi this is the apartment of Collins and Angel," They just got together, they move fast. "We can't come to the phone right now-"

"We're probably banging," Collins voice cut in.

It made me smile but my stomach turned over in knots.

"Collins," her voice laughed.

"We'll call you back a bit later," he said.

Before the message tone went off I could hear them kiss. I didn't know how I could be so happy and jealous at the same time.

 _Beeeeep!_

"Um, hey it's Roger, Angel I was wondering,"

Someone suddenly picked up the phone, "Hello?" It was her.

"Hey..." I said not sure where I was going with this.

"Oh, um hi." He knew it was me.

"Hi."

"Um, h-how are you?" his voice was low and raspy he was trying to talk quietly.

"I'm, I'm good... you're answering machine is cute."

"Oh... Thank you, Collins is asleep right now. Wh-what did you want to talk about?"

"I wanted to catch up.. maybe grab some lunch and just talk."

"Um," he was nervous you could hear it in his voice. "Sure, that would he nice. When?"

"Tomorrow?"

"I can't I have plans with Collins. I, uh, I can't believe you hid this guy from me all these years."

"It's cause I knew he was perfect for you."

It was true and it was hard to admit. Collins was twice the man I'd ever be. He was kind, witty, generous, and most importantly, he was incredibly patient. It took a lot to get him mad, he always wanted to know the whole story. He loved without fear, and he would worship the ground Angel walked on.

"You got that right," he added with a giggle. "Maybe we can go to the Life monday afternoon? I normally drum in the afternoon so I'll just skip it and meet you."

"Alright, monday afternoon." I repeated and hung up, it had been my most awkward experience in a while.

I crept back to bed and pulled Mimi close to me. She was my match, where Angel was more submissive, she challenged me. She was as stubborn as I was and wouldn't take my bullshit. We are going to fight a lot but we're also going to love a lot. Like fire and ice, passion and desire.

I felt more relaxed, I played with her long curly hair until I fell asleep.

Mimi and I spent the next day together just the two of us, getting to really know each other it was nice. She listened to all my stupid stories from my childhood they made her laugh. She had the most beautiful laugh, her stories weren't as happy. But she thought they were, there was always something in them that made them a little melancholy drugs, exes, abusive family members, cops.

Soon it was monday, and for some reason I lied about where I was going. I told Mark and Mimi I was going to visit the old drummer from my band. I didn't have to lie they could have known where I was going but I didn't want them to judge me or come along. So I lied.

I walked slowly to the cafe, I haven't been this nervous in a long time. I was relieved that I made it there first and got us a table. The staff wasn't too happy to see me here after our dance party last time. I stirred my water, just waiting and staring off into space until I hear here voice.

"Is this seat taken?"

I looked up at her from the booth and gave her my old smirk I used to always give her, "It's yours, if you want it."

She smiled and sat down. She looked picture perfect like always; her wig was her normal black bob, she was wearing hot pink tights, a jean mini skirt with patches she'd sewn on herself, and a black shirt covered in pink hearts. She held her purse and her black faux fur jacket.

"You look nice," I commented.

"Thank you," she smiled at her hands and sat down. "I'm glad you called."

"Of course, I-I wanted to know how you are."

"I've been great especially these past few days! Why did you hide Collins from me?"

"Cause I knew you two were a better match," I smiled and drank my water. "What did he say when you told him you were coming here?"

"Oh, um" she turned red. "He actually doesn't know. I just, it was just-"

"Easier to lie..." I finished for her.

"Yeah..."

"Nobody knows I'm here either."

She smiled,I could tell it made her feel better to know we were in the same boat. We both were ashamed and hated who we were when we were together but we still enjoyed each others company.

"Do you still..." I trailed off and tapped the side of my nose.

It clicked in her brain of what I meant, "Nope I'm clean."

"Good, me too."

"Yeah, Collins told me."

"Does he know about?"

"That we used to hang out? No."

"No I mean..." I began to mumble. "About your old job?"

"Oh," she looked down at her lap ashamed. "Yea I told him."

"What did he say?" I couldn't help but be curious.

"He held me, he held me tight, and let me cry and tell him. He wasn't mad at me, but he was mad at all men I had to be with. He's unlike anyone I've ever known."

"I'm happy for you. I really am," I grabbed her hand on the table.

We talked some more about the old days of when we used to hang out. Old stories of things no one else would get or understand, the kind of stories you had to be there for. It was great. It was like nothing changed, well except I had a better attitude. I missed this. I missed her.

As stupid as it sounds, I think in some way we were meant to be together. Not as a couple we've proved we don't work well in that aspect, but in a different way. Like kindred spirits, or soul mates, just meant to be friends together and find each other to watch the world burn. After hours of sitting together in that booth I walked her home. I smiled as we walked down the street I wasn't afraid to be seen with her and when we made it to her apartment she invited me up for a beer. I wasn't nervous or thinking about sex, because that's not why I was climbing all these stairs to her door. I was coming up for a beer and we both knew it.

When she opened the door Collins was already there watching TV and waiting for her. He got up and gave her a hug and a kiss. I leaned on the frame of the doorway and laughed they were cute together, it made me miss Mimi a bit.

"Where mine?" I teased Collins puckering my lips for a kiss.

Collins laughed and pulled me into a hug laying a huge wet kiss on my cheek.

"Ugh sick!" I rubbed off the spit on my sleeve.

We all laughed and hung out. Slowly, over the next few hours we started inviting more people over. First it was Mimi, and frankly I was happy to see her, I hugged tightly and she sat on my lap most of the time. Then mark, and soon after Maureen and Joanne. We had everyone over in this small apartment and it was great. No hate, no awkwardness, just love between all of us. And we couldn't be happier.


	7. Chapter 7

Weeks turned into months and everything fell into place. We hung out more and more, both with the gang and without. When we did hang out just one on one we wouldn't tell anyone, we'd lie about where we were. It was just easier.

We would get together and talk about stuff only we would understand. Well, only we could understand, we would talk about things we miss from out druggie days, and if you heard us talking it would sound like we were on the brink of a relapse. But we're not, we're smarter than that. We would talk about things we didn't like about our significant others, stuff that you really didn't hate about them but in the moment you need to rant.

Most days we just jammed together, we'd laugh and make music. Honestly, it couldn't have been better.

This afternoon, there was no serious talk of the "glory drug days" just laughter, light jokes, and good vibes. We just finished playing, and we were relaxing now in the living room, I was still fiddling with my fender.

"I see you've gotten better with your fingers," she winked and took a drink of her water.

I couldn't help but smile and turn red, "Very funny."

We got along so well, there wasn't anything we couldn't say to each other. She sat next to me on the couch, I tried to show her how to play a few cords. Once she got it down the question that had been floating around my head finally came out.

"Where did we go wrong?" I heard myself ask. "I know what the breaking point was but... why didn't we work?"

She looked at me scared and confused, as if my questions hurt her.

"Cause you're straight," she gave a fake answer then checked the clock across the room. "Oh shit, I better run I'm meeting Collins for lunch."

I watched her pack up his stuff, she wants out. She wants to escape the question and the walls that are closing in on her.

It makes me think back to our first real fight.

I wanted to be nice and make up for dragging her back in off the fire escape, so I made her dinner. Well, I brought her dinner from a near by deli. I knew where she hid the key at this point so I let myself into the apartment and began to set everything up. I was proud of the job I did when the table was set up. I made it look cut and elegant. I even found some candles to light.

Once it was all set, I relaxed on the couch and waited for her to get back. I was going to be nice, hours rolled by. I watched shitty tv, nothing good was on so I settled on watching 'The Maury Show' reruns.

"You are NOT the father!" Maury shouted as I head the door open behind me.

It was nearly 3 am now, Angel walked in a short black silk night gown, red fish nets, and a black robe that was as short as the "dress." She was carrying her shoes, obviously exhausted, and limping, must have been a busy night.

"Hey Babe," she perked up at the sight of me, genuinely surprised I was there. "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I'd bring you some dinner?"I motioned to the table.

She put her hand over her heart, taken back by my gesture, "That's so sweet, you didn't have to."

"I know," I shrugged happily.

"I'll go change and we-"

"No, don't you look hot," I smiled and walked circles around her getting a good look at the outfit.

"Come on, these clothes aren't me, and besides I feel gross."

"Just keep them, just for a little bit longer?" I gave her puppy dog eyes that I knew she couldn't resist.

She was able to force a smile on her lips, "Alright, just until we finish dinner."

I gave her a kiss on the cheek, "Thank you."

I went ahead and sat down at the table I watched her cringe at the discomfort when she took her seat. I couldn't help but feel a bit jealous, she had to get fucked by so many men. I hated it because she should be here for me to fuck, and only me. But I wouldn't make her quit, then how would she survive? So just like seeing her out of drag, I ignored it.

Tonight my curiosity got the better of me, "Busy night?" I asked.

She lifted her skirt a bit and pulled a coin purse out of the Garter around her thigh, she threw it on the table and refused to look at me.

"You tell me," she said and began to pick at her food.

I unzipped it and found wads of all different kinds of bills, crumpled and folded different ways.

"Wow," was all I could manage.

I handed her back the money, she looked so ashamed. I decided to just switch topics completely.

"So I'm working on a new song," I lied trying to make conversation.

"What's it about?"

"A girl."

"Ahh, so not me."

I couldn't tell if she was joking or not, "Well, I never said that."

She gave me a smirk but I could tell it was holding back a smile. We talked I made up a few lyrics for her on the spot. She never caught on, thankfully. After we finished dinner we sat on the couch, she remained I the same outfit she arrived in. I was happy about it, she really did look hot.

While we were coiled together on the couch I began to kiss her neck. She smiled politely and moved away repositioning herself. I lightly dragged my fingers up and down her arm, she shrugged away again.

"Please, not tonight I had a long day," she finally said.

I wouldn't let it die, "Oh, come on," I coax again.

"No, Roger please, I'm really sore."

"What's on more customer? It's not my fault those guys got there first, I though we were a thing."

"We are," she objected sounding upset."I'm just, I can't."

"Really? I came over to surprise you with dinner, and you won't do anything for me?"

"No, no I-"

I scoff, and interrupt her, "Maybe if I was some creep with a hand full of cash then you'd fuck me."

Something inside Angel broke, I watched it happen in her eyes. Her face went blank and she turned to face me slowly.

"You think I want all those men touching me, you think I want to be groped every night?"

"Well, they must be doing something right you haven't touched me in a week!"

"Because I'm trying to earn a living for myself! Sorry I dont want to get fucked by another douche bag who doesn't know what he's doing!"

"Oh, yea I dont know what I'm doing! I think you've got me mistaken for one of your other regulars cause when I fuck you you moan so loud, 'oh, more,' 'oh, god babe,' 'ugh, like that.'" I mocked her.

She turned deep shade of red, "I do everything you have ever asked of me! I'm still wearing my fucking slutty clothes, I only dress like a girl around you, I have never come around your place, or your friends. But you're acting like a damn teenager cause I won't sleep with you!"

"This is fucking retarded," I got up and grabbed keys off the table.

Before I could say anything else, she was already at the door holding it open for me.

"Go ahead, storm off like you always do! Get the hell out of my house."

"Gladly!"

I stomped my way across the street, back to the loft. I threw open the door and threw my shit on the ground waking up Collins.

"Holy crap," he jumped awake.

"Sorry," I said gruffly.

He started to laugh, "You scared the shit out of me."

"I'm just pissed."

"Woman problems?"

"More or less."

He tucked his arms behind his head, "I'm so glad I dont have to deal with that anymore."

My heart sank, Collins was gay but his he'd sworn off relationships since he contracted HIV. He got it from a long time boyfriend, it broke his heart. He wanted to focus on all the things on his bucket list.

"Consider yourself lucky."

"Well, whatever the problem is just know, it's probably all your fault."

He cracks up, I tried to suppress my own laugh with little victory.

"Ehh, you're probably right."

"I know I am, you're an ass."

We talked joking around for a while, soon the sun started to come up. All my anger was gone, I was relaxed. Collins was always easy to talk to.

"Well I better get some sleep," I stretched.

"Alright, see you later."

I stood up and saw the sun peaking over Angel's apartment building. As if the universe could read my mind, the phone rang.

"I'll get it," I said and picked up the phone. "Hello?

There was a long pause, "Hey," Angel said in a soft voice.

Another pause, "hi." I said again.

"I-I'm sorry, I was tired and in pain..."

"It's fine, sorry I yelled..." I wasn't actually apologizing I just wanted to move passed this.

"Well, if you wanted to come over... we can have some fun.." her voice wasn't excited or sexy, she was just being blunt.

But hell I'll take it, "um, yea I'll be right over."

"Alright, see you soon," she sighed.

I hung up the phone and grabbed my jacket, "see you later."

Collins shook his head and smiled to himself.

I went over there and got everything I wanted. I guilt tripped her into it, Collins was right. I was an ass and it was all my fault. That's where Angel and I went wrong, we were poisonous. Well, I was poisonous for her.

 **low key, I started writing Hamilton smut and I hate myself...**

 **On a different note :) this story is almost over! Like 2 more chapters!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Im so neglectful of my writing but here we go**

 **Mega trigger warning!**

I hadn't seen Angel in a few days, Mimi and I are in a fight, so it gives me time to remember and think things over. Angel and I didn't work because I'm straight, but when did we end? what was the final straw?

It bothered me all day that I couldn't remember, it's almost as if I repressed the memory it's like she was there one day and gone the next. I stayed in the loft the whole day it was too rainy to go to life support anyway. After a few hours of relaxing in the silence Mark arrived with Collins and Angel in tow. The three of them were dripping wet, and they weren't the normal happy loud group we had come to know. Mark had a sympathetic look, but that's normal for him at least. Collins looked exhausted as if he hadn't slept in days, and Angel looked blank, vacant, as if his mind was somewhere else.

"Hey, I'll make that coffee," Mark broke the silence. "You guys dry off."

Angel moved toward the bathroom Collins stopped him and whispered to him I pretended not to notice or listen, "Wait, do you want me to go with you?"

"I'll be ok," he managed in the weakest voice I've ever heard.

"If you need anything, anything at all, yell I'll be right here."

"Thank you," he said softer.

"Angel," Collins whispered and lifted his chin until their eyes met. "where is it?"

he stared into the older mans eyes trying to form a lie but couldn't, he took something out of his jacket pocket and placed it in his hand. He mouthed the word thank you and let Angel escape to the bathroom.

"Hey man," Collins greeted as he walked passed me to his old room.

I got up and followed him, "Hey long time no see, how's the tied down life treating you? you look like crap!"

he was digging through a box of his old clothes to find something dry to wear, "It's amazing and I look like crap but I'm still better looking than you."

"Keep dreaming," I scoffed. "But really though are you ok?"

He let out a deep sigh, "It's Angel," he said in a soft tone, "It's a hard day for him?"

My mind was frantically searching my memory to find out why. What did he know about Angel that I didn't? My mind was drawing a blank.

"Why? What happened?" I asked.

"Today, two years ago... Angel was raped."

Those words stabbed me through the heart, I still couldn't remember?

"What happened?" I was panicking.

"HE was on his way home from his, uh, job at the time," I could tell he didn't want to say the word, or the line of work he was in at the time. "two guys jumped him."

His voice was quivering, his body was shaking I couldn't tell if he was going to break down into tears or punch the wall.

"There was no one around to help him, he was all alone..."

That's when it hit me, like a bottle to the face. He wasn't alone that night...

It was late, we were all still up; me, Collins, Mark, Maureen, and Benny. We were playing cards, drinking, and smoking, the radio was on and turned up loud. the neighbors had already knocked on out door twice to tell us to turn it down. So when a knock came again we weren't happy but we weren't surprised. I lost the game of 'not it' and had to answer the door.

Everyone was still in their own little world thankfully because on the other side of the door was a terrified looking Angel, scantily clad in her hooker clothes. One look at her and I was beyond pissed.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered.

"Please! Roger you don't understand!" she shouted, I cupped my hand over her mouth and pushed her farther out in the hallway.

"Hey, roger man who's out there?" Collins shouted to me.

"Neighbors! I'll deal with them!" I closed the door behind me. "I can't fucking believe you came here what is wrong with you!?"

"No, ROger!"

I cut her off again, "Do you know what would happen if they saw you? I would be ridiculed!"

"Please there's these two guys out there and-"

"oh, great and you brought clients!? you must be out of your fucking mind!"

"Please they said they'll-"

"I don't wanna hear it! Go suck them off and i'll see you tomorrow" I tried to shove her down the stairs.

"No!" she shouted and pushed back, she was causing a scene people were going to start coming out if she kept shouting like this.

"No, you have to go!" I cupped my hand over her mouth and pulled her by the waist down the stairs. She fought me every chance she could grabbing on to the banister and door knobs, hitting and biting my hand, she was so scared of these two men, but I didn't care I couldn't let my friends see her. I kicked open the front door of the loft and saw two men standing there.

"She's all yours," I shoved her out the door and watched her fall she looked at me with such betrayal. As I shut the door I saw her get up and sprint down the street.

I didn't feel the least but guilty in that moment, I went back upstairs and forgot about it.

I was such an asshole.

I tried to call her the next day, she didn't answer. I played petty for a week thinking if I ignore her long enough she'll call me. That didn't work either. Months flew by, and in a way i forgot about her and i began my old ways of sleeping around with women, real women. But she would cross my mind every one in a while. Finally I went to her partment, thinking some charm could smooth things over like always.

I knocked on the door and got no response.

"Hey babe, it's me!" I called but still nothing.

I knocked the best of one of my songs on the door, "is anyone home?"

"Come on, Any I know you're there open up," the door opened a crack just enough to see a sliver of him. But even in that small amount I knew he was horribly beaten.

I was furious, who did this and why. Well, I know why but he's never bothered anyone! Except for me who would do this.

"What happened?" I shouted, he fell back tripping over his feet and began crying hysterically.

I tried to push the door open but a chain still held it locked. He backed up farther curling up against the side of the couch balling, pulling his knees up to his chest. He was terrified and shaking like a leaf. I backed up and kicked the door open causing him to scream more. I stood over him a moment unsure of what to do, or what happened. I wanted to shake him grab his wrists and demand he chill out and yell me, but I knew that wasn't right. I was too awkward for this, so I just stood there.

"Uh, you just let it all out...and you can talk to me when ur ready..." I said just loud enough for him to hear, he didn't react to me just kept crying.

I wandered to the kitchen and opened a beer, who knows how long this would take. I just continued life as if it was normal, as if he wasn't crying. I sat on the couch and turned on the tv, he was near my feet flinching at every move I made.

Two hours passed before he had calmed down, in that time I watched two cooking shows, some MTV, and read every magazine on the coffee table. I was beyond bored. He sat next to me on the couch and apologized.

"Where have you been? Why haven't you called?" I asked finally.

"I dunno, I couldn't, not after..." tears began to well in his eyes again.

"No, no, no, no, stop" I said as calmly as I could.

He bite hid lol and shook his head fighting all the emotion he could, "sorry. I just it's been really hard for me..."

"What has?"

"I..." he took a deep breath, "that night, that night you-" he couldn't go on, more snuggle and tears came.

"Alright, you can't say it, fine," I was still trying to be patient, I let him cry again.

I picked up the last bit of reading material available, a large stack of unopened mail. I was sure he wouldn't care. I began opening it tossing the bills to the side they weren't going to get paid anyway. After a few pieces of junk mail I found a folded up yellow letter from an urgent care clinic. I began to shake with rage as I read it.

 **Patient:** Angel Dumott Schunard

I looked lower to get to the base of this paper it was test results.

 **HIV/AIDS STATUS: POSITIVE**

I turned to him and began to scream at him making matters worse, "What is this?" My voice roared.

He ran away from me and into the corner of the opposite corner of the room sliding down to the ground. I looked at the table again more hospital bills were under it, all for a different day, all for the same reason suicide attempt, all over the last two months.

"Answer me! What happened?" More tears and wailing. "You have AIDS NOW? WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME AFTER IT FROM BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS YOU OF FOR BEING ON THE SAME COUCH?"

I was so ignorant back then.

"No!"he finally screamed back at me, his eyes seemed to be fixed on some thing in the distance as if he was having a flashback. "No, no, no, no, no, no!"

"When did this happen?! ANSWER ME!"

"PLEASE! STOP! DON'T TOUCH ME!" he fought the air.

I wasn't sure what to do I felt like I was going to be sick. I was sure I caught his AIDS by now.

"There's no one there idiot! How did you catch this one of you're filthy hooked night? Or one of you nights out with your factor friends?" I shouted from across the room scared to go near him.

He didn't stop fighting, shouting words like 'stop and 'Help'. Then he said the word that solved the puzzle... I can still hear the panic and desperation for anyone to save him in my head

"Rape! Rape!" He repeated over and over again, he was reliving the moment.

It finally clicked in my mind the night that he came to the loft, that's why, that's what he was trying to tell me, and I threw him outside...

I threw up right there my stomach finally gave in, this was all my fault. And I did the one thing I could think to do, I ran.

I ran straight out of there, and I didn't stop,I kept running until I made It to the park. I wasn't thinking straight I was panicking, the fear, the guilt, all welling up inside of me. Only one thing could help, I took all the money I had on me and walked up to a tall man in a trench coat.

"What will it be?" He said with a selfish grin.

"Everything you can give me," I handed him over $100 dollars in assorted bills. "I need to forget."

He counted it, his grin growing bigger as the number kept rising, "ill take good care of you, there there, pretty boy."

I got beyond high that night and for many many nights following, but that would be the last time I saw Angel until Collins brought her home Christmas morning. It was the best and worst present I have ever recieved.

 **Two more chapters! Sorry if that was a bit much for you guys...**


	9. Chapter 9

I sat there staring off into space as like continued on around me I was as silent and empty as Angel. Collins and Mark tried their best to cheer him up. Angel tried his hardest to be his normal self but it was hard you could see the struggle on his face.

After a while Collins when tongue kitchen for a beer, I followed after him there was a question I needed answered.

"Hey," I said softly trying to stay out of hearing range of the others.

"What's up?" He asked his head still in the fridge.

"Wh-what did you take from Angel before he went to the bathroom?" I'm sure I could have guessed what it was but I needed conformation.

He sighed deeply, "A razor blade... I keep taking it away from him, but somehow he keeps getting it back."

"He, he does that? Cuts himself?" My voice was quivering, I remember the last time I saw him his bandaged arms.

"No, well, not to cope, he only does it... when he, um" he had trouble finding the words. His eyes filled with tears, "When he's trying to kill h-himself."

My heart sank to the floor, he's happy now, he has everything he ever wanted, true love, true friends, but still...

"I wish I knew what to say to him, when he gets like this. Nothing seems to help," his eyes welled with tear.

"Hey, hey, hey man, you got him to get dressed, u got him out of the house. That's more than I could ever do." I tried to console. "Uh, arm, with April that is."

"I'm trying but it's so hard, can you say something to him, I'm trying to show him he has so many people who love and care about him."

My heart began to pound out of fear, "Y-you want me to say something?"

"Please, anything" he begged. "I can't lose him, not now, not like this."

My heart went out to him, I remember how hard it was to lose April, But I was still scared. This was all my fault, and we knew it, what could I say to fix That?

I slowly walked over to him, he was watching mark fix him some tea. He was hovering over the filmmakers shoulder, but he kept getting distracted by the window. Probably fantasizing jumping out of it, I know I was.

"Angel," I said in a cracking meek voice.

He quickly turned to face me with unforgiving eyes, it was the same pain I saw in him time and time again. It was a look of all the sadness he had to bare, 'don't go,' 'I'm scared,' 'love me,' 'i need you,' 'help me,' 'save me.'

I fought back the tears the best I could, "I-I'm so sorry,"

Both of us clashed into a hug breaking into sobs in each others arms. I whispered apologies over and over again to him.

"This is all my fault, I'm so sorry, I wish I could change it, I'm so sorry" my whispers where muffled by his sobs only audible to him. Slowly we sank the ground remembering that night, I know I wasn't forgiven, but at least there was closure. I know what I did wrong, I know I should habe been there but instead I suppressed it like I know he wished he could have. He knows I feel guilty and I know what I did wrong, and that we can't change it but at least we can acknowledge it.

They let us cry there on the floor both unsure of what triggered us or what to do. As soon as the sobs slowed Angel let go of me, I expected him to manage that small Angel smile to let me know he was okay, but instead he cupped my face and nodded. The pain was still in his eyes but at least I knew we were ok, that nod carried so much weight to it. It was a sign that he doesn't resent me, that we will always have something together, but we never will be. It was an official break up between us. And I felt my heart shatter.

He turned to Collins and held up his arms like a small child asking to be held, all the while still crying. Collins, his hero, his knight in glimmering shining armor quickly complied picking him up effortlessly.

"I want to go home," he mumbled still seeming like a kid.

"We Are, my angel, we are," And they were whisked away.

I pulled my knees to my chested a new wave of sobs fell over me, I was hurt, jealous, ashamed, and guilty. How could I have caused so much harm to an Angel?

Marks hand rested on my shoulder, "are you ok?"

"No, I'm not!" My shout being muffled by my lap

"What happened?" He sat next to me.

"You wouldn't understand... I can't, just leave me alone,"

Mark knew what would happen if he pressed farther, I'd lash out and hurt him either physically or emotionally. So he did what he does best, sat there in silence and waited.


End file.
